At A Moments Notice...

They keep telling me Black Men don't read. They keep telling me Black men don't read. They keep telling me Black men don't read...

But what they're not telling me, is what the fuck they're doing about it.

What's the matter with your life? | Is the poverty bringing U down? | Is the mailman jerking U 'round? | Did he put your million dollar check in someone else's box? ~Prince

Let me ask you a question: Are you happy? No really, when you look in the mirror and that reflection stares back at you, what do you think? Is it happiness? Completion? Contentment? Or the total opposite?

I'm saying, I keep running into people who are pretending whole-heartedly to be happy. People who say, "I love my job!" but then almost immediately turn around and practically insult everyone working there! I'm dead-ass!!!

I'm talking about people who walk around bragging about how "together" their life is, while simultaneously ripping the next man's apart.

I'm talking about people who "think" because they've figured "something" out (whatever that something is beats the hell out me) they have the right to pass judgement on everyone else!

I'm talking about people who can never see their own shit, but somehow have a super radar to detect everyone else's.

What's up with that?

Since when did it become cool to big yourself up by tearing someone else down?

When did we become so enlightened that our shit no longer stinks?

When did we/you become so miserable? So blind?

Listen: If when you look in that mirror you see some shit you don't like, don't pass your dis-pleasure off on anybody else. Own your own shit! Because until you do, you will forever look at everyone else as the ones with work to do!

Respect.

You changed me, and the way I felt about men | I was just so disgusted, cause the one I loved I couldn?t trust him | And you told me, that if I never been hurt I would not know what happiness is | And just how good it feels...

This morning I awoke to the words: "Happy Anniversary baby...it's been 2 years and 10 months, can you believe it?" We've always counted our anniversaries, but with so much going on nowadays: the book, our recent move, and just about anything else that seems to pop-up out of nowhere, I had almost forgotten just how significant this anniversary is. That is until Lil' Mo reminded me.

On her new album, Meet The Girl Next Door, Miss Mo comes into herself. On track after track she delivers ghetto-worthy stories of love, both lost and found. Unlike her other counter-parts (Brandy, Monica, etc), Mo is not afraid to take her songs and flood them with the kind of emotion you only find in songs of yester-year. Each song practically takes you there, to that place you never want to go in public: Tears. But you know what, I'm not afraid to admit she damn' near took me there quite a few times today.

I opened this blog with words from her tune "Doing Me Wrong", written and produced by Missy Elliot. This song took me back three years, way before me and my boy hooked up. Back when falling in love was actually me, falling into a vicious cycle of love, hate, love: oh my God why am I here again, why am I hurting, why am I staying? Why me, why me, why me?

I had had so many horrible run-ins with the wrong cats I honestly believed love, that shit that comes in and salves all of your worries, would never make its way into my life...into my heart...

I was scared to give you all of me | Cause my last love he left me helplessly | And like a bird without his wings, I was just sitting around...

And then one day, shit happened. I woke up and was like: "Yo, I'm in love...and it doesn't hurt..." That's when I knew I had some good shit. That shit I had always dreamed of having. That shit, that if it ended today, I would have no regrets because my love was/is at that place where dreams are real, so real you can actually touch 'em---you know what I'm sayin'? That good shit...

For years I thought no amount of words could express the feeling of euphoria one gets when confronted with some of lifes greatest joys. For years I thought I would have to make due with what little nouns/verbs/or adjectives I could come up with until I happened upon the language that fully expressed the inner workings of the heart. I thought that day would never come. But *breaths a sigh of relief*, it has...

Speak Mo:

Yes I was so afraid | Going through the same thing again, baby | I hated to fall in love, 'cause I been through so many things I can't name | Same type, same thing, same game | But you showed me not to block my heart from every man that came [walking] up to me | Cause you were the right one for me

I was scared to give you all of me | Cause my last love he left me helplessly | And like a bird without his wings I was just sitting around...

I never thought I would ever find love this good | I had no trust at all cause every man but you had did me wrong | So, here?s a wonderful thing since I let go of my past loves | I'm glad I gave you a chance to show me you?re a good man...

Thank you baby, for being who you are, and for loving me even though, and even still...

"Thank you Missy for writing this song, 'cause I remember when I used to be sitting around, looking all crazy, lookin' for love, but now I've found it, and it feels so good..."

And thank you Mo for reminding me just how good my love is...

Why we don't laugh at death, and cry at birth | Never say you can't do it 'til you try it first | Be the young niggas eager to pull it | But it's a message in everything trust me...even a bullet...~Jadakiss

Having just returned from Kevin Powell's book release party, for his new piece, "Who's Gonna Take The Weight", I'm feeling more than energetic, I'm feeling free!!! (Never mind the fact that I'm drunk...) But trust me, my high isn't just because I got a chance to party with some of New York's finest, no, it's because today, September 23, 2003 I recieved the very first copy of my debut novel I'm On My Way--and it pays to follow your dreams. I can't wait for you guys to peep the finished product, coming your way November 11th 2003!

Until then, stay up my peoples--and remember to always keep God first, and all else will follow.

Believe me when I tell you, We Gon' Make It...

I look and stare so deep in your eyes | I touch on you more and more every time | When you leave I'm begging you not to go | Call your name two or three times in a row | Such a funny thing for me to try to explain | How I'm feeling and my pride is the one to blame | 'Cuz I know I don't understand | Just how your love your doing no one else can... ~Beyonce

Okay so, I admit. I have a thing for Beyonce. It took a minute, but hey, none of that matters now right?

When I first learned of this Houston native she was fronting the group Destiny Child. Over the years the line up would change, but it was always apparent who in the group was the real destiny child. And if the truth be told (slightly grits teeth), the girl did reak of talent, as the chief writer, sometime producer and constant vocal powerhouse of the group, it was no wonder she didn't go solo 2 albums ago.

But why the dislike?

I don't know. Maybe it was because I hated their quirky little songs about love and the pursuit thereof. Maybe it was because their earlier songs seemed to mysteriously revolve around the number three (No, No, No and Bills, Bills, Bills). Or, maybe it was because of the god-awful shit they usually wore while performing. At times it felt like I was watching old clips of the Labelles, back when Patti and the rest of her crew were doing anything they could to garner attention. Whatever it was that sparked the intensed filled hate, soon didn't matter; conquering them, and anyone who admired them, did.

Ahhh but another one bites the dust.

Like my former nemesis R. Kelly, Beyonce and her Destiny Backups won me over. I don't know if it was thier track, "Hey Ladies", with it's hauting lyrics: You keep rewinding it | Stoppin' it | And playing yourself over again | See I'm sick and tired of you doin' that same old thing | Sick of your same routine | Now you've got to come clean | 'Cause it's killing me...

Or "Independent Women", and it's empowering lyrics: Question: Tell me what you think about me | I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings | Only ring your cell-y when I'm feelin lonely | When it's all over please get up and leave...

But somehow (grits teeth harder) I started diggin' these over-processed, under-dressed, semi-talented, thump-thump chicks. And though I still think thier 1st album is garbage their 2nd and 3rd albums however, are kinda ah-ight. Though truthfully, I only play them after I have exhausted any and all possibilities of finding something better to listen to. Still, they do manage to make rotation at least once a year. (Umm, at least I think...)

But, this new Beyonce shit is starting to woo me. Honestly, I only like about 4 songs on the set, but those four tracks are worth their weight in gold. And the videos---my God---if I did go up for chicks like that, trust me when I tell you: Beyonce would get it! But I don't, so she won't.

But that doesn't stop me from appreciating what she's bringing to the world of music. She is single handedly taking us back to a time when artist, were artist, and not some put together crackhead (I said it!) like the new supposively, "quote-un-quote" princess of Hip-Hop R&B. (You will never ever find her name mentioned on this website by me!!!)

Beyonce has style. (Well she could, if she fired her mother and hired the real deal---what's the deal with those pointy witch half-boot things?)She has grace. (As long as she doesn't walk too fast, that shy-doofy shit shows up way too often for me.) And she has attitude. Three things one needs when trying to measure up to the superstars of days long gone.

The bottom line is this when it comes to Beyonce and I:

Got me looking so crazy right now your touch | Got me hoping you'll page me right now your kiss | Got me hoping you'll save me right now | Looking so crazy in love's | Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love...

Damn, I LOVE that song!!!

All I wanna do | Is wake up every morning and be happy | And be care free | And all I wanna do | Is love my man and make sure my family is okay | Is that too much to ask... ~ Vivian Green

The bottom line is this: I am going to be happy, period. I don't care how much I complain, how much running around I have to do, or whatever happens or doesn't happen, the bottom line is again: I'm going to be happy.

I tell myself this for many reasons, but for now I'll list two:

One, it seems the collective is suffering from some-kind of post traumatic self-induced depression syndrome. Every blog I read to almost everyone I come in contact with is dealing with some sort of tragedy that has them phasing out certain parts/individuals/communities of their life. Everyone is miserable! Seriously. I'm not kiddin.

Two, no matter how many times I tell myself I'm not affected/effected by the actions of others, I end up eating those terminally-ill words. I am SO affected/effected by society, what's happening within it, what they think of me, what they don't think of me, what my cousin said, what my sister said, what my niece's nephew's cousin said--and I'm really beginning to realize enough is enough. People are always going to have something to say. They are always going to judge me, and that's okay...just as long as when I look in the mirror I see the man I know I am in my heart.

All I want to do, is be happy, free, and loved. Is that too much to ask?

The problem with humans is that we set ourselves up in lives that make happiness impossible to achieve and then sit there wishing we were happy instead of doing something about it...

Damn! Ain't that some powerful shit?

How many of us are actually sitting in our shit this very moment? How many of us are sitting, stewing, broiling in the shit we've created because at one point or the other it was the best way to handle the situation?

In an earlier post I stressed it was my turn, today I begin anew.

The weekend was long, at times painful, but eventful nonetheless. The highlight: Attending a small quaint birthday celebration for fellow writer, and friend Terrance Dean (www.terrancedean.net), author of "Reclaim Your Power: A 30 Day Guide to Hope, Healing and Inspiration for Men of Color."

The party was hosted by Grammy Award winner Gordon Chambers, who has penned songs for Anita Baker, Areatha Franklin, Brandy, SWV, Brownstone and the list goes on. His brownstone in the heart of Fort Greene (that's in Brooklyn, for those of you who are not familiar with New York) is honestly a work of art.

Television personality and author Lloyd Boston (www.makeoveryourman.com) whose books Make Over Your Man, and Men of Color: Fashion, History, & Fundamentals are sparking a revolution in fashion, was there. It was a pleasure meeting him.

And last but not least, Kevin E. Taylor (www.unclutter.org), author of Unclutter: Cleanse your Spirit and Claim your Stuff was there. And boy, oh boy was I lucky enough to secure an autographed copy of his powerful first testatment.

Attending the party really pyched me up for the release of my novel. And as I steadily approach the drop date I look forward to all of the blessings God's about to bestow on me...

I'm glad I chose to do something about it...

Much love and respect people.

Today must be my lucky day. I happened upon Steven's site (www.stevengfullwood.org) and wah-lah! There's my answer. This site is about me, Christopher, the up again, down again, optomistic, pessimistic, will I ever get a break writer slash realist slash damn', do I really have to get my black ass out of bed every friggin' morning to go to work brother with a really fucked up attitude, toward most of the wrong people.

There, now I feel a whole lot better.

From the Archives. Orginally penned: Mon, 17 Jul 2000 15:34:26 EDT

Like many people, I am on a constant search to unravel the mystery that is my life. A search that often leaves me feeling frustrated. But my goal...my "desire" (a new word my friend has taught me) is to make life simple again. There is no better joy than experiencing the simple things life has to offer.

But as we grow from child to adult, we often weigh ourselves down with rules and expectations, do's and dont's, I cans and I cant's. We limit our possibilities. Why, when we know the possibilities are endless. Hear me loud and clear: You are capable of anything! Why, even God himself confirmed this when he said, "You too can do these things..."

The first step to making life simple again is realizing you are blessed. Many of us take for granted the place we currently occupy in our lives. Who but you could have overcome such hurdles? Such oppositions? Such trials? And still manage to stand everyday?

When you realize where you are is exactly where you need to be, the questions will form, and the answers will come...

Be patient, it will come...

Next, learn to love. Love everything you see, everything you touch, every little thing you've been blessed with. The other day I was walking down the street and it hit me how much I take for granted. My being able to write this e-mail, and your being able to interpet my words, is a blessing. One we should rejoice in for God chose this for you and I. Think, there are so many who cannot do this simple thing, yet we've been blessed, more than we could ever imagine.

Be patient, it will come...

Finally, go out there and share what you've learned, what you've experienced with someone. Encourage them, and let them know that whatever their heart desires, it will happen. All it takes is faith, love and a little patience, and it will come. Believe me.

I thank you father for all my many blessings...

Life can be only what you make it | When you're feelin' down | You should never fake it | Say what's on your mind | And you'll find in time | That all the negative energy |It would all cease... ~ Mary J. Blige

I've been racking my brain trying to figure out just how to present myself on this website. Should I be Chris, the human (be afraid...be very, very afraid) or Christopher David, the writer? Should I keep it real and share with you guys all the shit that happens in my life on a daily basis, or should I only share with you my ups and leave all the juicy down shit out...

What a choice huh?

Until I decide I've decided instead to share with you guys some of my old thoughts. Back in 1999 my boy Karl (miss you man!) and I started an e-mail forum where we'd ask a question about life, love or anywhere in-between and solicit thoughts from our friends and family. It worked for quite some time...until well the e-mail list and the number of reponses grew and grew and grew to the point some people (I should name names) started complaining. In the end those question and answer segments taught me so much about myself, my life, and my responsiblity as a black man. I saved some of them, and believe it or not i do go back from time to time and re-read some of my thoughts. Sometimes, I'm even impressed...

Fri, 02 Jun 2000 14:18:28 EDT

My life, where the beauty is.

I'm sure everyone on this e-mail list knows Mary J. Blige's song, My Life. When the cd first dropped back in '94, it became the backdrop to my somewhat chaotic life. When Mary sang: If you looked in my life, and seen what I've seen, I knew exactly how she felt and where she was coming from. Often to the world, nice clothing, a warm home, and an abundance of friends equals success, happiness and contentment. But once those same lives are exposed to a magnifying glass you see first hand things not readily visible to the human eye are killing hearts and souls, dreams and aspirations. I know, because its happened to me.

But when mary sings, I know it is hard, but we will get by...and if you don't believe in me, just believe in HE, cause he'll give you peace of mind, and you will see the sunshine... You know everything is going to be ah-ight.

As a result, of believing in HE, i have learned to simplify my life. By doing so, I realize that everything people say or make me think is important, really isn't! I've learned that life and all of its complexities, is the most gratifying experience ever! I am living, I am appreciating, and for the first time, I am happy. And, as one of my friends likes to say: I am dancing to tune of my life, the remix...

Respect.

I can't cover up my feelings in the name of love |Or play it safe, for a while that was easy | And if living for myself is what I'm guilty of |Go on and sentence me | I'll still be free... ~ Diana Ross

The last couple of months have been extremely difficult. Everywhere I turn it seems as if I find someone tugging me here or there, trying their best to get me to do things their way. Life is hard enough, trying to please everyone you come in contact with only makes it that much harder. Sometimes I just want to scream: I got this! But my fear is it'll be misconstrued as: I don't need your help, when I do. I need my family, my friends, my loved ones to support me now more than ever. I need to hear: things are going to work out, not: are you sure you know what you're doing?

But the truth is, with or without your help or support, I am going to make it. I'm going to do what I'm supposed to do because it's my turn. It's my turn to start from number one, and try to undo some damage that's been done. It's my turn to reach and touch to sky so that no one can ever say: At least he didn't try. Yeah, for the first time in a long time, it's my turn...

Thanks Diana for reminding me how it important it is to take care of self...

This is your host Christopher David trying out this blogger thing, the new technology that has the world wide web swooning! I hope to update this section of the site on a daily basis, but you never know with the schedule I have. Nevertheless check back from time to time and see what's going on in my life. Its bound to be juicy...

Respect.